[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
shit just got real
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican