Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

True story 🤣

That time Alicia messaged me

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.