I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.