[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.


Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.


The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.


i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective


If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.


Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.


I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.