If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
4. Dancing in public
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget