[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?