Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one

[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.