Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

5 ways to appear taller

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES