[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]