Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Van Gone

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds