Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
FRED: right
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled