Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Banana is the quietest snack
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Just added something to my bucket list.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Something Saturday.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.