Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once

Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one

Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am