*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Beauty and the Beast
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy