Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Investing in beetcoin

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.