watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
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It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.