Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

Split the bill

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Me in tagged photos

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I love the National Park Service.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.