[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.