[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Omg 🤣
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.