Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.