Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.