Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.