[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
🧠
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
