Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
You Might Also Like
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The 6 types of sex
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
welp
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.