Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!