Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Cheer up.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.