Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me :
All Day At Night
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go