Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.