[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.


about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day


When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.


Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT


[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?


if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day



me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening


On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.


Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.