[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
inventing words: clothing
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep