My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.