@Tommytoughstuff

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

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@errdayhustlah

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

@TheRealCDK1

Eat Salad they said….its healthy they said……you know what never gets recalled? Cake….I’m sticking with cake.

@IamJackBoot

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

@krisv_723

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

@Carrie_Rachel

In this era of excessive exclamation point use, punctuating a text with a period is the quickest and simplest way to cause concern.

@justmiche74

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.