[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.


My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.


to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?


I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.


Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS


The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.


“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”


Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)