*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Look at this
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.