*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
when you don’t want to be too vague
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.