*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
You Might Also Like
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?