Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Now who done made this a sport lmao

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

crazy

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.