Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”