[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
You Might Also Like
This is my cat’s medicine.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
LOL!
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.