Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok