Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

step 6: release the wall snake

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

me opening up to someone

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”