Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it