Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

R.I.P.

🤣dope

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.