Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

dictator is short for richard potato

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”