Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Brilliant!

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.