Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

She might be a genius

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Taliband

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Twitter fine art

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale