Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”