Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”