Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.