Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.