Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

Every haunted house movie:

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT