*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My dress code is business-casualty.
🤣
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m putting together a team
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn