Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

I can’t wait!

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”