*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
You Might Also Like
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Lassie, get help!