Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.