Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

vegan witches, happy halloween!

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.