Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I can’t deal with men any longer

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

problems i need

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete