Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

PLEASE READ

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.