Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Me too 😆

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.