*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Not messing around
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything