Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Snapes on a plane.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.