Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

put ‘er there pardner!

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Oh hi lol

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

50 shades of grey = my Liver

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.