Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.