Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
No. He’s not coming out to play
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.