Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
i think both sides are to blame here
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.