Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
A completely valid reaction tbh