Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.