Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

respect

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

I have never heard an armadillo before.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?