[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Okay, I’m still confused…
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it