Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*