Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

new career option?

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.