Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
why neck hurt
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.