Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.