Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through