Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
You Might Also Like
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
584.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
