Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

just left a huge legacy in there

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”