[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You Might Also Like
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.