[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
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Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”